Many couples don't realize that the way they reach for or pull away from their partner during an argument often started long before they ever met. These patterns emerged in your family of origin — the place where you first learned whether closeness felt safe. Psychologists call these patterns 'attachment styles', and they influence every aspect of married life. In the United States, Jewish families bring this issue into their own specific world of tradition, memory and expectation. According to the American Jewish Year Book, there were an estimated 7.7 million Jewish people in the U.S. in 2024, with large communities in New York, California, Florida and New Jersey. Within those communities, the way couples love and argue is deeply personal.
Yet many people wait a long time before asking for help with anxiety or depression. Among adults in Jewish households reporting anxiety or depression in UJA-Federation of New York's 2023 eight-county community study, 42% sought and received help — however, 67% of Orthodox respondents and 47% of non-Orthodox respondents did not seek help at all.
This article is about recognizing the patterns that quietly influence a marriage and understanding how a therapist can help you work with them. If you are experiencing a crisis or are considering suicide, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
Key takeaways
- Attachment styles are the habits of closeness that you learn in your family of origin. They influence how couples connect and argue.
- According to a 2023 study by UJA-Federation of New York, 67% of Orthodox and 47% of non-Orthodox adults who reported experiencing anxiety or depression did not seek help.
- Since January 1, 2024, Medicare-enrolled marriage and family therapists can bill Medicare Part B independently (CMS, 2024).
- A meta-analysis conducted in 2024 found a strong pre-to-post effect across 332 couples undergoing emotionally focused couple therapy (APA, 2024).
Table of Contents
What we mean when we say 'attachment style'
An attachment style is simply the pattern you fall into when you need someone to be close to you. This pattern usually takes shape in childhood, based on how the adults around you responded when you were scared, sad, or reaching out for support.
Researchers often describe a few broad patterns. Secure attachment is characterized by a sense of basic safety in closeness: you can rely on your partner and they can rely on you. Some people are anxious, worrying that their partner might leave and needing a lot of reassurance. Some people are avoidant, pulling back when things get too close and handling hard feelings alone. None of this means there is something wrong with you. These are survival strategies that once made sense.
Trouble in marriage starts when two different styles meet. One well-known pattern is the anxious-avoidant dynamic, where one partner tries to connect, while the other pulls away, making it harder for the first partner to connect. It can feel like an endless loop. Learning to recognize these attachment issues can be the first step toward finding a way out.
How family memory shapes the way people love
Every family passes down more than just recipes. They pass on ways of being close, such as who talked about feelings at the Shabbat table and who didn't, how your grandparents comforted each other and what was said out loud and what was kept secret.
For some Jewish families, that inheritance includes a rich history. Researchers have begun studying how the experiences of earlier generations can affect later ones. A 2023 study in the journal Family Process involving 79 daughter-granddaughter pairs descended from female Holocaust survivors found that granddaughters of concentration camp survivors scored higher on attachment anxiety than those of survivors of other circumstances (Wiley, 2023). However, the picture is not simple. A 2025 Scientific Reports study of 371 participants, including 186 third- and fourth-generation descendants of Holocaust survivors, found that these descendants reported lower attachment avoidance than a control group (Springer Nature, 2025).
What does that mean for you? It's not a diagnosis — these are studies of groups, not individuals. However, they do highlight something important: the way people reach out to each other is shaped by their history. A therapist can help you identify which parts of your behavior are your own, which you inherited from your parents, and which you wish to continue — or not.
The Fight Beneath the Fight
Imagine you and your spouse are constantly arguing about the same small things, such as an unanswered text or who was supposed to call the in-laws. On the surface, it's a matter of logistics. But underneath, it's often a question of attachment: Are you there for me? Do I matter to you?
That's often at the heart of marital conflict. The dishes are rarely really about the dishes. When an anxious partner interprets silence as abandonment and an avoidant partner perceives pressure as criticism, the result is two people trying to feel safe in ways that make the other feel worse.
Before having a difficult conversation, try identifying the underlying emotion behind the complaint. 'I'm not angry about the schedule — I felt alone this week.' This can change how your partner hears what you are saying.
Emotional intimacy grows when both people feel able to express their needs without fear of being attacked. This is difficult to achieve alone in the heat of the moment, which is precisely why couples seek therapy.
This is what couples therapy actually does
Couples therapy isn't about deciding who's right. A good attachment therapist helps you both recognize the pattern you're stuck in and work toward breaking free from it and connecting with each other in a new way.
One widely studied approach focuses on emotions and attachment. While the research on this approach is encouraging, no therapist can promise specific results. A 2024 meta-analysis in Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, which pooled 20 emotionally focused couple therapy studies involving 332 couples, found strong improvements from before to after treatment (American Psychological Association, 2024). A previous meta-analysis from 2019 in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, which covered 33 randomized trials involving 2,730 participants, also found significant improvements in emotionally focused therapy at both the treatment stage and six months later (Wiley, 2019). These are averages across many couples — your experience will be unique to you.
Here's something to reassure you: you don't need to be on the verge of divorce to seek therapy. Many couples come to therapy to understand the anxious-avoidant dynamic before it becomes entrenched. A therapist won't tell you which type of therapy is 'right' — you'll have that conversation together in the first few sessions.
Looking for a Jewish therapist? Heritage Web can put you in touch.
Why asking for help can feel harder in Jewish communities
In some Jewish families, there's an unspoken rule: you keep the shalom bayit — the peace of the home — inside the home. Airing marital problems to a stranger can feel like betraying that value — or bringing shame upon the family.
That weight is real, and research recognizes it. A 2025 study published in the Journal of Religion and Health examined 94 Jewish U.S. adults and found an association between perceived stigma about psychotherapy and less favorable attitudes toward seeking treatment. However, the sample was not nationally representative. If you've experienced that hesitation, it's not just your imagination.
However, there is a long-standing Jewish tradition of turning to the community for support, and this now includes counseling. In 2025, the Blue Dove Foundation's list of Jewish mental health resources included family service organizations offering counseling and other assistance to Jewish families. It can be easier to open up when working with someone who understands Shabbat, the rhythm of the holidays, or what it means to blend different levels of observance within a marriage.
Paying for it and finding someone who understands you
The cost and lack of access put many people off before they even begin. Here are a few things worth knowing.
Since January 1, 2024, Medicare-enrolled marriage and family therapists and mental health counselors can bill Medicare Part B independently to diagnose and treat mental illness, and Medicare pays them at 75% of the clinical psychologist fee-schedule amount (CMS, 2024). That opened a door that had been closed for years. Keep in mind, though, that in 2024 Medicare guidance, the family-therapy codes carry medical-necessity requirements and don't establish coverage for every relationship-only session (CMS, 2024) — so coverage for couples work specifically can be uneven. Private plans differ even more. Call the number on your insurance card and ask directly what's covered.
Getting to a therapist at all can be its own hurdle. As of June 30, 2026, HRSA had designated 7,109 mental health professional shortage areas covering roughly 157.1 million people (HRSA, 2026) — a sign of how stretched care can be depending on where you live. Telehealth has helped close some of that gap. Under Medicare telebehavioral health policy as of 2026, patients can receive covered behavioral health telehealth at home without geographic restrictions, with the in-person-visit requirement delayed through December 31, 2027 (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2026).
When you call a therapist, it's perfectly acceptable to ask if they have experience of working with Jewish couples, how they approach family of origin issues, and what their approach to attachment issues is. You are allowed to interview them. If you don't feel you're a good fit with the first therapist, it's perfectly normal to try another.
You're in good company
Many couples do this work. According to the 2024 National Health Interview Survey, 14.0% of U.S. adults received counseling or therapy from a mental health professional in the preceding 12 months (CDC, 2024). One survey of married adults who had recently considered divorce found that around a quarter had sought couples counseling in an attempt to repair the relationship (published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 2022).
Understanding attachment styles in marriage won't eliminate every argument. However, it can transform the meaning of arguments and provide a path for reconciliation. If you're ready to take the first step, Heritage Web can help you find a therapist who understands your situation.
Get in touch with a Jewish therapist who understands your community. Submit your details via Heritage Web's secure referral form.
This article is general information, not medical or mental health advice, and it does not replace care from a licensed professional. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or call 911 in an emergency.
Sources
- American Jewish Year Book
- Springer Nature — Springer Nature, 2025
- UJA-Federation of New York
- Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice
- Journal of Religion and Health
- Journal of Marital and Family Therapy
- Medicare telebehavioral health policy
- Blue Dove Foundation
- Family Process — Wiley, 2023
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
- Scientific Reports
- National Health Interview Survey
